Heavy.

Yesterday I was light, I was happy. I was making a difference and impacting lives. I was showing unconditional positive regard to children who have never experienced it. I was providing a listening ear to teens who have no one.

Yesterday life was good, colours were brighter, the outlook was hopeful. There was justice and love in the world and I was a part of it.

Yesterday I left work with a smile on my face. I was content. I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

But today... Today I am heavy.

Today I am unhappy. No matter how hard I work today, I can’t make enough of a difference. Lives are in shambles and I am powerless to change them. No matter how much I give of myself it is not enough today.

Today life is confusing, colours are dull, the future is dim. Today is a vacuum. Justice and love have vanished without a trace. I am left feeling overwhelmed and alone.

Today I leave work with a heavy heart. I am fighting tears (and they’re winning). Today I feel unsure of where I’m meant to be and how I can make a difference.

How do I face tomorrow, and all the other tomorrows to come? How can I, knowing that while there will be many days like yesterday, days where I’m winning the battle against trauma, neglect, abuse, and mental illness, there will always be the todays where I am fighting a losing battle.

Loud sigh. Deep breath. Silent prayer.